Dreams of sorrow
by The Outlander
Summary: Plagued by dreams, Chakwas keeps a journal to record her nightmares as well as her dealings with the xenophobic citizens of Earth. One-shot, post-destruction ending. Written for the August competition of the Aria's Afterlife forum.


_This is the journal of Dr. Karin Chakwas, formerly Major of the Systems Alliance and doctor aboard the SSV Normandy._

_**Day 1 – August 1**__**st**__** 2186:**_

___Someone once told me that writing purges the mind and soul. I do not know if that is true. But my nightmares keep getting worse and worse. Every time I close my eyes, I see Kelly Chambers being ground into organic paste. I feel the ground beneath me quake like when Kaiden set off the nuclear bomb on Virmire that killed him. I hear the begging of dozens of soldiers, bleeding out in my arms, whispering in my ear; they all say the same thing: 'Please. I don't want to die. Tell my family I love them.'_

_As I said, I don't know if writing all this down will truly help. I am not a psychiatrist. I'm not that kind of doctor. If I was, maybe I would know how to get rid of these blasted dreams… There are probably many more who are suffering from nightmares. I guess we should count ourselves lucky. We survived the war with the Reapers. Their corpses now lie strewn across the scorched planet they once sought to destroy. But Shepard destroyed them. And we live on. Rebuilding. Healing. Yes, healing is something that will have to be done a lot. I suppose I should pull myself together. Doctors are in high demand right now._

_**Day 2 – August 2**__**nd**__** 2186:**_

_ Leaving the Alliance wasn't an easy decision, but I am hoping it was the right one. I do feel like I've abandoned my soldiers who have fought so valiantly for our survival, but there are so many more people out there who could use my help. I've signed on with a small humanitarian organization. We're flying out to Brussels tomorrow. A lot of turian and asari are still stranded there and medical assistance is scarce. Patching up Garrus and Liara, as well as my earlier studies, have given me a great knowledge of turian and asari physiology, so I was the ideal candidate. _

_I can't remember what I dreamt tonight, but judging by the damp sheets, that's probably a good thing. I just hope it won't influence my work._

_**Day 3 – August 3**__**rd**__** 2186:**_

_Ballroom vodka zaeed glass wall_

_ Since I couldn't remember what I dreamt last night, I scribbled down some words immediately after I woke up, desperately trying to recall what I saw. I was ballroom dancing with Zaeed (he wore a dancing costume and a high hat, which was probably the weirdest part of the entire dream). When we were exhausted, he offered me some vodka. When I drank it, everybody around me liquefied. The floor turned into vodka too and I sank down, trying to swim to the surface, but the more I struggled, the liquid around me hardened, until I was trapped in what looked like a glass cell. I remember waking up with sore feet._

_It's not hard to understand that I was dreaming of being ground into paste in the Collector ship, but why Zaeed was there, or why we were dancing… I have no clue. Can it even be explained?_

_Anyway, I am on my way to Brussels now, we should arrive shortly. I just hope I can get a good night's rest._

_**Day 4 – August 4**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_ It's absolute chaos here. It's worse than I imagined. I had my doubts about leaving the Alliance, but things are so appalling here, I now know I made the right choice. There is sickness all throughout the city, and despite fighting side by side against the Reapers, the different races now regard each other suspiciously. Is xenophobia really that deeply rooted into our brains? _

_[I tried thinking about why I dreamt of Zaeed. Maybe I just miss him. Scars or not, he was a real man who ]__(entry deleted)_

_Tomorrow we'll be distributing medications and I will be setting up my practice. _

_**Day 5 – August 5**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_ I've been working from dawn until dusk. I set up my office, and after 2 hours I had already lost track of how many patients I had treated. I am spent. And not a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy in sight. _

_**Day 6 – August 6**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_ There were riots in Law Street today. A turian group started protesting, claiming the Alliance didn't want them saved. My hands were dark blue with blood before noon. The turians seem disgruntled. To be fair, I can't say I blame them. I was told I was going to be part of a relief effort, but humans seem to be getting the most food, the most medicine, better quarters and shelter… When they said 'humanitarian', I guess they meant it literally. I will not discriminate however. Whoever walks in here for treatment will be in my safe hands._

_**Day 7 – August 7**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_ So, it's now been a week since I started this journal, and my dreams haven't been as bad these last few days. I don't know if that's because of my general exhaustion, or because writing really helps me 'purge', but I won't take chances._

_There were no more riots today, which I am grateful for; but there were still many turians who did not receive treatment yesterday. Also had quite a few asari, one of which turned out to have morning sickness from pregnancy. The father was a human woman who lost an arm during the final push against the Reaper forces. She claimed to be part of Hammer. The asari found her and saved her life. Even amidst all this chaos, life flourishes! It's nice to see._

_**Day 8 – August 8**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_choking black breath opera sand paper_

_ The dreams came back, and how! I jotted down a few words again. I don't know if it's wise to want to remember these dreams, but if I learn how to do some lucid dreaming, maybe I can do something about it. Never hurts to try. Anyway, I remember being held down in my bed. A powerful hand seemed to be at my throat, but as I flailed my arms about there was nothing there. Then I felt a hot breath against my ear, and it started screaming loud opera music while my entire body paralyzed. It continued singing and I also felt someone rubbing sand paper against my face. When I woke up, my cheeks felt raw._

_Nothing of note really happened today, although I'm beginning to see more and more aliens in my practice. One turian told me I'm the only human he can trust. I'm not sure how that makes me feel. On one hand, I feel flattered. On the other, it's sad that after everything we've been through, our species still distrust each other. I also followed up on that pregnant asari. She said she wanted to name her child Karin. I quickly talked her out of it. Ashley is a much nicer name._

_**Day 9 – August 9**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_ Something disturbing happened today. Early this morning, I received a visit from the representative of the humanitarian organization I am working for. He was quite cross. He told me I have been paying too much attention to the aliens, and that I have been neglecting my fellow humans. I told him that I will treat everybody equally, and that all who come in for medical aid will be assisted, regardless of gender, color or species. He started shouting at me, accused me of being a xenophile.[ __I had half a mind to give Zaeed a call and make him rip that pathetic excuse for a hum] __(entry deleted) _

_Later that afternoon, armed guards were stationed outside my practice. I demanded they leave immediately, but they ignored me. When a turian tried to get in the waiting room, he was turned away! If this happens again tomorrow, I will… I don't know what I'll do. Working under Shepard was much easier. He would've punched those guys senseless. Then taken them to the _Normandy_ and have Javik boot them out the airlock for fun. That would certainly teach them._

_**Day 10 – August 10**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_ The armed guards returned today, continuing to send aliens away. I had half a mind to stop treating the humans as well, but I changed my mind. It wasn't their fault, and they needed medicine and other medical aid as well. _

_A group of angry turian came to the practice, demanding to know why they wouldn't receive treatment. They were told they had to leave, or they would be shot. I'm starting to think this was all a big mistake._

_**Day 11 – August 11**__**th**__** 2186:**_

No entry detected

_**Day 12 – August 12**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_ Hell broke loose yesterday. The turian protestors returned, carrying with them a wounded soldier whose gunshot wound he suffered during the battle for Earth was festering due to lack of treatment. _

_The guards wouldn't let them in. I told the guards they could go screw themselves and told the turians they could come. When they did so, one of the guards opened fire._

_Three turians were killed, and the armed guards were ripped to shreds by an angry mob. Their weapons were taken, and I was held under gunshot by a turian the others called Bodann. He told me to treat his friends, or he would shoot me. I assured him there was no need for violence, that I would help everybody who needed medical assistance. Other turians I treated before immediately assured Bodann that I was their friend. I managed to stabilize 4 other turians who suffered gunshot wounds, and the one whose wound had festered. _

_The situation was extremely volatile today. The asari tried to be peacemakers between the humans and the turian, but they mostly failed. I just hope this doesn't escalate. But the organization I work(ed) for will certainly not let this slide._

_**Day 13 – August 13**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_ I haven't seen this much hatred between turians and humans since the First Contact War. _

_**Day 14 – August 14**__**th**__** 2186:**_

___The Reaper corpse on Central Station has reportedly been completely taken over by the turians in the city. Asari are welcome, but humans are not. All turians who were camped in the vicinity of my practice have cleared out, opting to take their chances in the Reaper superstructure. The word is they're well-armed. I hope the Alliance doesn't have to get involved. The last thing we need is a dispute between Earth and Palaven over something like this when the relays are repaired. Neither planet could afford it, I'll wager._

_**Day 15 – August 15**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_ I've refrained from writing about my dreams in recent days. My personal problems seem so trivial compared to what's going on here. Last night I dreamt about Virmire again. But that's in the past, I should focus on the here and now._

_As I feared, Alliance officials have come to Brussels to check out the situation. Let's hope this doesn't escalate._

_**Day 16 – August 16**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_ Today I got a visit from an Alliance colonel who asked me to describe what I had seen during my time here. I explained how I joined a relief effort, but how I was told the aliens weren't allowed equal treatment by my bosses. The colonel seemed very displeased. I am glad to see that Alliance officials don't share the common public's apparent xenophobia. I later told my 'bosses' from the 'humanitarian' organization that I wanted nothing more to do with them, and that I was going to start on my own. They laughed at me and told me I had a contract. They threatened they would make sure I'd fulfill it, or I'd suffer the consequences. Their lack of respect is appalling. I wish I knew how to contact some of the old _Normandy_ crew. They could get me out of this mess for sure. _

_In any case, I went to check out the Reaper corpse. It's surrounded by groups of disgruntled people who feel the turians have no right to claim the structure for themselves. I heard from someone that the situation inside the ship is very bad. I just… I hope they have well and truly lost their powers of indoctrination when they were destroyed. What if they indoctrinate the turians? Or worse, they turn into Reaper forces, somehow? I shudder at the thought._

_**Day 18 – August 18**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_red streak explosion scars_

_ Blasted dreams… This time I dreamt about red streaks lighting up the sky until everything was colored in a maroon hue. Then the ground erupted, as if I was sitting on an active volcano. As I was launched into the air by the force of the explosion, the sky turned into flesh. The closer I got, the more scars appeared. I believe I woke up when I hit one of them. Damn, I could really use some Serrice Ice now._

_I got another visit from that Alliance colonel (Coates his name was, I believe). The rumors about the situation in the Reaper corpse were not unfounded. He said the Alliance got word from a turian called _Bodann_ that they demanded medical assistance. I immediately volunteered. I'm not sure if that was wise, but the general health of the public here seems to be improving, and I want to go where I am most needed._

_I gave all of my patients enough medication to last them a few days until I get back. I am going into the Reaper corpse tomorrow. I can't deny I'm nervous. The 'humanitarian' organization will undoubtedly refuse to give me meds I can distribute among the aliens, but Coates assured me I could use the Alliance reserves._

_[ __I need a damn __bottle__ of Ser] __(entry deleted)_

_**Day 19 – August 19th 2186:**_

No entry detected.

_**Day 20 – August 20**__**th**__** 2186:**_

No entry detected.

_**Day 21 – August 21**__**st**__** 2186:**_

"Have you ever had a dream, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world?"

_I remember EDI telling me that. She said it was a quote from some sci-fi vid in the late twentieth. I never really understood what it meant, until now._

_The moment you set foot inside a Reaper, even a dead one, you feel a sense of instant dread wash over you. Knowing that they were responsible for trillions of deaths, mass genocide that knew no equal, and indoctrination… It felt like I had stepped inside one of my nightmares. My feet became sore, my face felt raw. I heard singing in the back of my head. I feared being indoctrinated, but I couldn't be. Liara assured me the Reapers were dead once and for all, and their powers along with them._

_Yes, being in that Reaper corpse felt like a nightmare. I wanted to wake up, and realize that it had been a dream; something I could simply forget. Why anyone would voluntarily hide in such a place, I do not know. I guess it shows how desperate these aliens truly are. Poor people…_

_I can't even remember if I had any sleep at all during the two full days I was inside. Everything felt so surreal. A kind of plague wreaked havoc among the turians. Some kind of leprosy to the brain. It turned them into husks (not the kind the Reapers created) in a matter of days. Many died as well. It reminded me of a story Shepard told me from Virmire, where Saren kept indoctrinated salarians in cells to study the effects. Absent-minded, drooling creatures that could barely stand up straight. If I didn't know better, I'd say indoctrination was still in full effect. A quick brain scan put that fear to rest, for me, humans and asari were not affected._

_Bodann asked me if there was a cure. I told him that I could not aid them with conventional medicine. I needed a laboratory to study the illness if I wanted any hope of finding a countermeasure. And even then, I know I'm no Dr. Solus. Plus, there was simply no time. People were dying all around us. Bodann got mad, he said I couldn't leave the ship before I came up with something. _

_Luckily, I managed to escape. The turian guards he had given orders to protect me were people I had helped in my clinic. They allowed me to go home. So here I am, back in my practice. Breathing free air again._

_**Day 22 – August 22**__**nd**__** 2186:**_

_ Coates came by today with a group of scientists. He said they needed my medical equipment to study this disease that was festering inside the Reaper corpse and killing the turian. Naturally, I gave them what they needed. I offered to help, but assured me it wouldn't be necessary. I spent most of the day refreshing bandages and reminding people to take their medication. I have to keep busy. I don't want to think back of the Reaper corpse too much. [__Their bodies piled up against the walls, stout soldiers in tears because their brother-in-arms survived an entire war just to end up a drooling, miserable heap; people fighting with each other, clawing their eyes out because someone suggested they should put them all out of their misery.]__ (entry deleted)_

_**Day 23 – August 23**__**rd**__** 2186:**_

_ I am shocked. I went by the corpse today. Word is that several of the turian have tried to get out, but a militia of human citizens is keeping them inside! They've barricaded off all entrances and exits and protected them with Typhoons. I asked Coates what the hell was going on and he simply shrugged! When I first met him he seemed to be concerned about the turian health problem, but apparently I was mistaken. Appalling. Even though they're working on a 'cure', it seems like the Alliance is going to let the alien problem on Earth solve itself. By letting them die. This is not what I signed up for. If only Shepard were here…_

_**Day 24 – August 24**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_vomit paste breathless blood choke_

_ Another vivid nightmare woke me up. I was in a cold, dark room. At least, I think it was a room. I didn't feel a floor. Maybe I was floating, but there was certainly a bottom. Nothing happened, until I just started vomiting. I kept retching and retching. It smelled foul, but not like puke usually does. I noticed I was puking the organic paste the Collectors turned humans into. So much came up, I was unable to catch a breath, and the room slowly started filling itself up with it. My nose started to bleed from all the pressure. The level of the paste began to rise until it reached my head. It was thick and heavy so I could barely move. It finally reached my mouth. I kept puking, but it also started to force itself inside. I felt it worming its way in through my ears, my throat, even my eyes. I was choking and I think I felt my heart stop. I have never been so relieved to wake up in my entire life. _

_**Day 25 – August 25**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_ Some good news today at last! Coates told me a high-ranking turian war hero was coming to check out the situation and barter with the citizens and militia for his people's freedom. Sadly it wasn't Garrus, but a general called Corinthus. He brought with him a whole squadron of soldiers, and even some part of the Armiger Legion I think. At any rate, I hope this mess gets cleaned up quickly. I can't believe people like Steven would stand for something like this. I understand he has to help an entire world rebuild, and this is just one relatively small city, but still…_

_**Day 26 – August 26**__**th**__** 2186:**_

___Corinthus paid me a visit today to ask me what I knew about the plague. In particular, if it was dangerous to humans as well. I told him the truth, that I was fairly certain it wasn't, and he seemed pleased. I can imagine that is an important bargaining chip. _

_He then asked me to accompany him to the Reaper corpse, seeing as how I was human, but was clearly sympathetic towards the turians and their plight. I didn't really want to visit that place again, but couldn't refuse to help either. It's simply not in my nature._

_Whilst we were there, Corinthus tried to explain to Coates and the citizens that the plague would not hurt them and that the turians inside would all die if they wouldn't get access to open air and proper medical treatment. His words mostly fell on deaf ears. Most people looked at me as if I was trash. Someone even shouted 'traitor' at me as we walked back. _

_**Day 27 – August 27**__**th**__** 2186:**_

___The negotiations are going slow, but we're getting somewhere. Bodann was allowed out of the ship to speak for his people and plead on their behalf, explaining the situation inside. The crowd jeered, and the proverbial pitchforks were raised, but at least Coates said the scientists were making good progress on a cure. _

_Don't even get me started on my dreams. _

_**Day 28 – August 28**__**th**__** 2186:**_

No entry detected

_**Day 29 – August 29th 2186:**_

_ The city is a war zone. General Corinthus was found dead yesterday, murdered by members of a human militia. The turians executed them without a second thought. It didn't take long for the situation to escalate. _

_How did it get to this? This was not supposed to happen. We fought the Reapers side by side. We won. Together. There was supposed to be peace, once and for all._

_I don't know what to do. The Armiger soldiers are mowing down any human that comes near them, so the citizens have been taking extreme measures to get some payback. When the turians opened up the Reaper corpse to free their people, they were bombarded by mortar fire. The whole area is a graveyard. Again._

_Should I stay? People here need my help now more than ever, with wounded coming in every minute. But some human extremists have branded me a turian bitch, claiming I work for them. They must have seen me accompany Corinthus to help him plead for his people. They've been throwing rocks at my practice, and when my patients try to help they get the same treatment. Why did I come here? I never thought I'd say this, but life aboard the _Normandy_ was much simpler. _

_**Day 30 – August 30**__**th**__** 2186:**_

_ When I went outside I found the pregnant asari and he human companion. They were dead. Someone had carved the word 'whore' in their foreheads with a knife. It isn't safe here anymore. I've got to run. Tonight, I am taking the first shuttle out of here, provided I can find one. I can't ask the Alliance for protection, they seem to have withdrawn from this zone. The rest of my 'humanitarian' organization already left a couple of days ago. I was all that remained. _

_**Day 31 – August 31**__**st**__** 2186:**_

_ When the Armiger soldiers opened u the Reaper, they… I don't know, but I think there was something inside the ship this whole time. Something that caused the plague. I don't know what. A Reaper's last resort? An alien form of life out of dark space? I have no idea. _

_The whole city's burning. There is nowhere for me to go. There's no more transportation to be found and everybody's running around scared, shooting each other or… whatever it was that came out of the Reaper. This was not supposed to happen. An end, once and for all, they said! An end! Once and fo- _(entry incomplete)


End file.
